If you see the mansion, you will leave the dollhouse.

Sebenarnya dah lama nak tulis pasal ni, tapi tak tahu nak tulis apa. Apa yang akan tertulis, memang direct spontan sebab tak plan and I just spill it out.

My late grandma left on 21st April, well it's not the only thing happened that night. I lost 2 persons, not in one day but in one night. I couldn't imagine that I could actually bear the burden that much and only few persons knew.

I was so traumatized.

I cried so badly, so badly that I couldn't stand straight. The table is only 5 steps from the bed but I couldn't walk straight. Then I had bad headache and I remember I slept with the picture of my late grandma beside me. That's all.

The next morning, I went to class as usual, like nothing happened. Thank God, the eyebag was hidden behind the spectacles. I even diagnosed the case correctly. "You are a good student. I've been observing you". How could the doctor said that when my mind was....blank like an empty box.

 Lost 2 persons in one night for me was too much.

****ok, aku saja tulis dalam English supaya tak nampak emotional sangat, tapi terasa poyo***

Malam tu, malam yang paling perit pernah aku alami. Hari seterusnya, aku texting dengan Angah je, macam mana dengan keluarga ayah? Macam mana dengan saudara semua? Mata aku ke depan, dengar lecture, tiba-tiba mata aku bertakung, kepala aku kosong. Nasib jadi back bencher, orang tak sedar.

Aku cakap aku hilang 2 orang tapi aku lupa pada seorang lagi, seorang lagi yang aku hilang malam tu..

Aku lupa nama penuh dia,
Aku lupa macam mana rupa dia,
Aku lupa jasa dia,
Aku lupa semua yang dia pernah cakap,
I forgot every details.
Dan aku tak tau kenapa,
My friend said, it was sort of Retrograde Amnesia,
Aku harap tak.
Sekejap je aku dah ingat semula.
Tapi itupun bila ingat semula rasa macam, 'Oh, semua ni pernah berlaku ke'
But today, I remember every single details.

All of these are in the past. It's 24th May already. I can't believe I went through this!

Kenapa aku lalui semua ni? Sebab pada asalnya dah timbul rasa takut. Takut akan kehilangan. My biggest lost when I was 12, my late grandpa left me. I was his 1st grandchild though. =) Setiap masa nak melekat bersama.

Manusia akan pergi dari satu attachment ke satu attachment. Sebab kita takkan puas, sebab kita suka rasa bahagia sampai timbul rasa takut kehilangan. Bila Allah ambik semula, kita melatah (ok, aku sebenarnya). Tapi kalau kita nampak dan tahu perkara yang lagi besar, mesti tak melatah. If you see the mansion, you will leave the dollhouse. Kalau kita nampak syurga, kita takkan terpedaya dengan dunia.

Perkataan 'Duniya' sendiri berasal dari word 'Daani' which means the lowest. Fitrah manusia, bila perlukan sesuatu, akan ambil yang paling dekat sekali. Sebab senang, cepat, dan kita rasa kita dah cukup bahagia tapi kalau kita dah rasa macam mana bahagia dekat syurga, mesti dah tak hiraukan dunia.

Mesti tak timbul rasa takut kehilangan. =)








 



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Finally

nurul nabihah bt zakaria~~

jawap soalan, *PIANO*